Carroll Courts Missing

(LEE UNIVERSITY) — Early this morning a physical plant worker went to do lawn maintenance when he realized he did not know where Carroll Courts was located.

“I spent almost 30 minutes looking for the place and then it hit me… I’m not even sure this place exists” physical plant worker Phil Macon told the Clarinet this morning.

The dissapearance of Carroll Courts comes in the wake of a growing concern amoung students who have made claims in recent weeks that Carroll Courts has gone completely missing.

Carroll Courts is run by residential life and houses mainly married and non-tradition students, according to the university’s website.

It was erected in 1972 and named after Leonard Carroll, a prominent figure in the Church of God.

The first time Carroll Courts went missing happenened in the fall of 1986 when residential life forgot where the buildings were located.

Their public position on the issue was that they did not  forget where Carroll Courts was located but rather that the mere existence of Carroll Courts was an ugly rumor started in the dining hall.

Carroll Courts was not rediscovered until the Spring of 1987 when two freshman who mistakenly came across the apartments thought it was the ruins of Tomlinson College.

The call was made to Residential Life at approximately 11:30 am this morning that Carroll Courts has once again been lost. Residential Life immediately called Cleveland Authorities to form a search party to find the apartment complex.

Residential Life director Michael Jacob made a statement at 12 o’clock this afternoon stating his concern for the apartments.

“This time we will not let history repeat itself,” Jacob said at an emergency meeting, “we need to find and recapture Carroll Courts in the next 48 hours.”

“At times it seems like those apartment buildings are nothing more than a myth, but no, they are real. Carroll Courts is out there somewhere it we will find soon… much sooner than ever before.” Jacob continued, inspiring residential life’s student workers to go out and search for the buildings.

There is no official reports of a sighting or even of documentation of Carroll Courts.

Post Office Hours Reduced

(PCSU) — The post office announced today that it will officially be shortening its hours of operation.

Post Office Makes Dramatic Adjustments to its Business Hours

The announcement was made when the post office put packaging slips in every student’s mailbox. Instead of describing the type of package, the slip read the new hours of operations.

“I thought my new shoes had finally come in,”complained Claire Miller today when she was checking her mail in the post office, “but instead I find out that when my shoes do come in I probably won’t be able to pick them up.”

In an effort to reduce employee work hours and save time, postmaster Linda Mayfield made the move to shorten the hours which the post office window will be open to students.

“Its very annoying to us that the students keep getting packages,” Miller says, “so we decided to cut down on the time the window will be open which will greatly increase the chances of the students never seeing their packages again.”

Currently, the post office window is only open during the period in which most students are in classes.

The new system proposes operation times that almost garuntees that the student will have to withdrawl from a class in order to use their services.

“The students do not work nearly hard enough to get their packages in the current system. We would like more initiavite taken on their park to get their package.” Miller remarked when asked about her thoughts about the current system.

“You think its hard to get your package now? You haven’t seen anything yet.”

Physical Plant Attacks ‘Hammock Enthusiasts’

(CLARINET) — The beloved hammock enthusiasts who have for so long adorned the Lee University campus have taken yet another blow from physical plant.

While Lee student Michel Dumhoff was snoozing in his hammock in Schimmels Park Saturday, he suddenly awoke to find himself falling to the ground.

“[I] was sound asleep in my hammock, and I was woken up by a freefall to the ground. I looked up and saw one of those green [golf carts] speeding away. I know it was them” Dumhoff told the Clarinet on Sunday.

What should have been a simple hammock accident turned out to be a clear attack from physical plant. The line used to tie Dumhoff’s hammock to the two trees in Schimmels park had clearly been cut.

“This was no accident.” he said.

This isn’t the first hammock altercation to hit Lee’s campus this semester. This semester alone, four hammock enthusiasts have made claims to the Clarinet that they, too, have been sabotaged by physical plant.

“They were sneaking up to a [hammock enthusiast] the other day with a pair of garden sheers, waiting till the [hammock enthusiast] fell asleep to make their move” says O’Bannon Resident Alex Wilcox. Wilcox was doing his homework in his window on the fourth floor of O’bannon when he spotted physical plant.

When asked to confirm the recent attacks, Physical Plant took no responsibility.

“We just water the flowers and make the keys here,” Physical Plant director Rob Carson said in an interview, “we don’t have the time to be pestering those annoying hammockers who destroy the trees and get in our way.”

While physical plant does not officially take responsibility for the attacks, the student’s suspicions still run high.

So far, there have been no serious injuries in the incidents.